NOT Superwoman

Well, I've done it again. In my eagerness to embrace this new season, and everything God has for me in it, I've bitten off more than I think I'm going to be able to "chew." I don't know what it is (immaturity, maybe?) that causes me to do this. I'll hear about something that sounds like fun, or something that would make me a better wife/mom/friend, or something that would lead me closer to God, and I jump right into it without consideration of the time commitment. Just recently, I've begun a book about parenting, started a Beth Moore Bible study with my mom (we watch the videos over Skype!), began the Seminary Wives Institute at Southern (once a week class, homework, and occasional conferences), started attending a playgroup once a week, and began a knitting project for a Christmas present! As I was typing all that, I received an email about serving with the kids at Church this Sunday...something I signed up to do once a month. I am trying to be intentional about making new friends here and keeping in touch with family and friends that are far away. I'm also trying to renew my commitment to daily intercession and Scripture memory, along with my Bible reading and alone time with the Lord. And then there's being a wife, keeping up with the house/groceries/cooking/finances, and, oh, raising a 13 month old. WHEW! I had planned to begin a Biblical Doctrines class with my Church tomorrow, but I feel very strongly that God is leading me not to. (Wonder why?!?) When I type all that out, it is very clear. It's all GREAT stuff, but it's too much.

I am learning an important lesson today. (Really, it's a lesson that I've learned a hundred times over, and have to re-learn every once in awhile.) I am learning that I am not Superwoman. Superwoman is a MADE-UP character, and if I live to be like her, I am setting myself up for failure. I think this idea that women can "have it all," "be it all," and "do it all" is a straight-up LIE. If you think about it, the idea is ridiculous! OF COURSE no woman can have it all, do it all, and be it all. We can't be involved in EVERY good thing that comes our way. We can't have deep friendships with EVERYONE we meet. We can't have a perfect marriage, AND a successful career, AND perfect children, AND the perfect body, AND the perfect home (decorated just like all those hundreds of houses we've pinned on Pinterest), AND the perfect meals to put on the table every night. We can't be involved in EVERY Bible study that comes our way, serve in EVERY ministry that has a need, or read EVERY book that we've heard is good.

We are human. Our time, energy, and resources are limited. The number of days in our lives are limited, and the hours in those days are limited too. We all know that is true. But, most of us don't live like it is true. Sure, we say, "Cherish every moment with your children because they grow up so fast!" (They do.) We say, "Live each moment like it is your last." (It could be.) But, do we apply the same thinking in our day-to-day lives as we make commitments and set up our schedules? Do we say "no" to the things that are good so that we can make room in our hearts and lives for the GREAT? Do we truly prioritize our God, our spouses, and our children?? I have been convicted by this thought lately.

I have also been convicted lately about my motivation when I make a commitment or choose to do certain things with my time. Am I doing things out of guilt, or because I want to please people, or because I think that doing them will make God happier with me? All of these motivations are sinful and come from a heart that isn't centered on the Gospel.

The Gospel teaches that NOTHING we can do can earn us any favor or merit with God. We are all born spiritually dead and separated from God. Jesus lived the perfect life that none of us could ever attain through all our striving. Then, He did the unthinkable. He traded the glory He was rightfully due to die a sinner's death in our place. He took on the full wrath of God-the punishment for all our rebellion and sin- and died in our place. Then, in glorious victory, He rose again, conquering the grave and bringing us once again into communion with the Father. His death and resurrection paid our debt and brought us into right-standing before God. He bought for us FREEDOM. We are now freed from our sin, and the wrath of God, AND from all our vain attempts to earn our way back into right standing with Him.

What does all this have to do with my priorities and commitments? Everything. When I am living a Gospel-centered, grace filled life, I am free to choose the One thing that is best. Like Martha in Luke 10:38-42, I tend to run around trying to do everything. But, EVERYTHING is not important, and it's not helpful even to strive for "as much as possible." The ONE thing that is most important is sitting and LISTENING at the feet of Jesus. I am to "Be still and know that [He] is God." Psalm 46:10

When I do that...when I truly LISTEN to Him, He helps me know what to do with everything else. He leads me by His Holy Spirit and guides me in His will for me. He gives me the strength to do the things He has for me, and He gives me the strength to say "no" to the things that aren't best for me. He helps me have maturity, wisdom, and patience. He is showing me that, although He desires for me to make friends, I cannot possibly become best friends with everyone. I have to be intentional and really pray about who I am going to pursue close friendships with. He is also showing me that the process of sanctification sometimes goes slowly. I take two steps forward and one step back. Bible studies, quiet times, scripture memory, prayer, reading books...all of that is GREAT stuff, and very helpful in the process of sanctification, BUT, more is not necessarily better. 15 Bible studies isn't a guarantee that I'll be any holier than if I just did one. Starting five books at once (and not being able to finish any of them) isn't nearly as valuable as reading just one book all the way through. Two-hour quiet times do not make God love me more and 30 minute quiet times do not make Him love me any less. He has limitless grace for me, and I pray that He will help me have patience and grace with myself.

Even as I'm learning how to pray about how I am spending my time each day, I am learning that I need to be asking Chad about it as well. It is such a gift to me that God speaks to my husband, and I believe that being under Chad's headship and listening to his advice is a way that God protects me. (I am so thankful for this Godly man of mine!!) Chad had some concerns about me being over-committed yesterday...I should have listened to him and prayed about it before I told the lady who was organizing this Doctrines study that I would come. I had to email back today and cancel...ugh, doing that is no fun! But, it's okay. God's grace is big enough for that mistake and all the others I make on a daily basis.

So, to summarize all this, I'm not Superwoman. I'm a work-in-progress, and God sure has His hands full with me! But, He is faithful. "The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; Your love, o Lord, endures forever-do not abandon the works of Your hands!"

Discipline

We have entered a new season as a family. It is such a good season for us, marked by a refreshed sense of God's Presence in our lives on a daily basis. Chad and I are learning so many new things about the Lord. Much of what He is teaching me these days has been hard to hear. Lately His truths have felt like the nearly blinding brightness that hits your eyes when you walk from a darkened room into the broad daylight. You know what I mean?? It's when someone tells you the Truth and it steps all over your toes but you can't reject it because your spirit knows that you need to hear it and be trained by it.

So here's the word that's been defining this season in my life:
Discipline.

Enter, exhibit A: One year old Anna Grace Lee, the cutest little tool for sanctification to ever enter my life (besides my husband, of course...but that's a post for another day!) Whew, God is using this little girl to reveal my sin these days! Off-and-on for two weeks now, Anna Grace has dealt with extreme restlessness and teething pain at night (Especially between the hours of, oh...midnight and 4 AM...) It is especially hard these days because we are living in an apartment and I don't want to be disruptive to the neighbors. As I hold her, rock her, walk with her, nurse her, and try to comfort her to sleep for hours on end, many times I have felt frustration and anger rise up inside me. I see glimpses in those wee small hours of the morning of my old sin-nature, who I am without the saving and sanctifying grace of Jesus Christ. It is NOT pretty, folks!! I lose patience so quickly and I feel sorry for myself so readily. God has been so faithful to correct me in those moments when I hit rock bottom. He reminds me of His Father's heart, and of His own patience and long-suffering with me. He forgives me again and again for all my sins and failures because, when He looks at me, He sees His child...brought near to Him through the sacrifice of His Son. How could I not, in light of His marvelous grace, have grace for my own child in her weakness? And, inevitably, after that correction from the Lord, a worship lullaby rises up from my heart and my voice. The Holy Spirit's presence fills the room with peace, and both of us girls are comforted by our Daddy.

During her waking hours, Anna Grace's personality is really forming, and she is beginning to exert her desire for independence. She is walking and talking and it is such a joy to see her development! She is also beginning to misbehave and test the limits. We will tell her that something is "not okay" to touch, and, with a mischiveous look in her eye, she returns to the item that is off-limits, just to see if she an get away with touching it again. At one year old, she is successfully demonstrating the truth that all of us, at our core, are disobedient children. Since the fall, every single person is born spiritually dead and separated from God by sin. Without God's intervention through Jesus' death on the cross, we all are destined to go our own way, 'be our own gods,' and do whatever feels 'right' to us.
Isaiah 53:6 says "All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned-every one-to his own way; and the LORD has laid on him the iniquity of us all."

The last part of that verse offers the hope that we ALL need. Children are not born knowing Gospel Truth. Christian parents are given the responsibility to raise their children in an environment that makes their hearts fertile soil for the Gospel to
take root and lead them to the salvation found only in Christ Jesus.
Christian discipline is absolutely essential to children's understanding of the Gospel. Christian discipline also flies in the face of the way the world says to parent.

The world has many different philosophies to offer parents. One of the most popular philosophies these days is that which says "Developing your child's self-esteem is your most important job as a parent. Children should, above all, feel good about themselves." Parents who buy into this philosophy wind up catering to their child at every turn, and create a child-centered family.

We have all seen those families...The children are running the household...and running the parents ragged by their disobedience. It is clear to see that child-centered households are not good for the parents, but it doesn't take much to see that growing up with the belief that "it's all about me" is not good for the children either.

The Biblical model for parenting calls Christian parents to a much higher goal: we are to be teaching our children right from wrong based upon the absolute Truth of the Bible. We are to be pointing out their sin and how incapable they are of doing the right things on their own. We are to be pointing out their need for a Savior. And, we are to be pointing them to the One who can save their souls....Jesus Christ.

Proverbs 13:24 says "Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him." The use of corporal punishment is definitely debated these days, so I'm not going there in this post (to do so runs the risk that the larger message will be lost, and because Chad and I are still praying and studying the best methods of discipline). However, this verse brings up the point that, if we love our children, we WILL discipline them. We MUST show them their need for the Savior, because leading them to Him is the most loving thing we could ever do for our children. I have been convicted by this calling to parent Biblically, and Chad and I are committed to learning from the Lord and the wisdom of other believers as to how to walk this calling out.

Lastly, I wanted to share Hebrews 12:6-11. It says,
"It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it."

The fact that God disciplines us should give us joy, because it is a reminder that He is treating us as His children. He wants what is best for us, and He loves us too much to give us over to our sin. Hallelujah! Often when I am in a season of intense sanctification as I am now, and God is highlighting sin in many areas of my heart and life, I feel a strange kind of satisfaction...like His heart is pleased with me. I feel secure in His love not in spite of the discipline, but because of it. He hasn't given up on this work He began in me.

At many points in the old testament it talks about how God is like a refiner of silver...The process that gold and silver refiners went through in that day is very interesting. Refiners would melt the silver over the very center of a fire where the flames are the hottest, in order to burn away the impurities. The refiners had to sit in front of the silver for the entire process so that they could remove the silver from the heat at just the right time. How did they know when to remove it from the heat? When the surface reflected the refiner's face, it was finished.
Zechariah 13:9 says
"And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, 'They are my people'; and they will say, 'The LORD is my God.'"

It is my prayer that we, as children of God, will submit to His perfect discipline in joy, knowing that it is for our good and because He loves us! I also pray that those of us who are parents will be led by God as we discipline the children we have been entrusted. And, finally, it is my prayer that my daughter sleeps tonight. ;-)

Home. (Update from 3 weeks ago)

It's time for a 'little' update. (Funny how I always want to keep up with this Blog and have the best of intentions to do so, and then I never do...) Anyway, a lot has happened since my last post, and I wanted to share some of what God is doing in my life throughout all the changes. As most of you know, Chad and I have had the opportunity of a lifetime for him to get his Masters of Divinity at Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. Yesterday marked four weeks since our little family arrived in Louisville, all ready for this new place, season, and adventure...it has been full of some really high "highs," and some really low "lows," and it seems like we have been jumping from highs to lows and back again on a daily basis! But, God has been SO near, and He has been SO faithful. In documenting some of our experiences, it is my desire to bring Him glory and to encourage you all with these evidences of His grace.


A few weeks ago, I wrote an entire blog about how much I missed "home" and how weird it was to be in this new place. I never was able to get it to post correctly, but I have the time to try again, so, here are my thoughts from three weeks ago:

"Home. The word has taken on new meaning for me in recnt days. Today marks 1 week that I have woken up in a new city. One week ago, movers were unloading all of our things into our new apartment. There were boxes and things EVERYWHERE (despite my very organized, pinterest-inspired labeling). The newness was exciting then. I couldn't wait to unpack, to rearrance, to settle into our new place. Now all the boxes are unpacked, the walls are decorated, the fridge and pantry are stocked...but, it hit me yesterday, it doesn't feel like home yet. Our apartment is nice and big, (and we don't have to fix the things that break!), but it isn't our little house in Yukon that was just right for our family of 3. The trees arching overhead make the winding roads absoutely beautiful, but they are unfamiliar. Our new church is great: good music, solid theology, friendly people...but I miss our Bridgeway family. I miss walking in and greeting familiar faces, knowing others' stories and them knowing mine.

I keep striking up conversations at the Kroger (which I LOVE, by the way, and have been to 3 times this week). I keep telling the check-out people that I'm new here. They just kind of nod, as if to say, 'Okay. Thanks for the info.' What am I needing to hear from them? A 'welcome to Louisville!'? A reminder that we are all new at some point in our lives? Tips for things to see and do? Reassurance that soon it will feel like home?

It doesn't feel like home yet. At home, I knew, even though there were days I didn't leave the house, everybody knew I was THERE. That's the weirdest feeling of all...it feels like the world is going on around me, and no one knows I exist. I know that soon, I will make friends. Soon, I will recognize faces. Soon I will hear others' stories and get to share mine with them. Soon I will learn the roads and where the Hobby Lobby and the Post Office are...

As I processed through all this with the Lord this morning, He reminded me in His perfect, peaeful voice, "I AM Home for you. No matter where you go, I AM your Home."

Psalm 139:7-12 says, "Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your Presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me and your right hand shall hold me. If I say, 'Surely darkness shall cover me, and the light about me be night,' even the darkness is not dark to you; the night is bright as the day, for darkness is as light with you."

"Father, I KNOW that you have brought us to this place in your perfect wisdom. You have provided for us in MIRACULOUS ways. You are fulfilling a dream you placed in our hearts long ago. There is SO much joy and excitement in this season, as we follow your call to study and eventually church plant. I KNOW that this move is your will for us. And I know that you are here with us through it all. You are our HOME."

answered prayers...

Ya'll, I'm so full of joy tonight! I promise, it's joy, not the caffine from the Dr. Pepper I drank earlier. Or the fact that I'm watching "Glee Live in Concert" (I know you're giggling now, but don't judge me...I'm a total Gleek!) Okay, maybe those things are having a bit of an impact on my mood tonight. :) Nonetheless, the reason I believe that I am so pumped tonight is because of what God has done for me today!

Chad had an outpatient surgery this afternoon, and I was anxious for several reasons. 1.) Surgery is just a frightening thing. Even though Chad's was very minor and common, I was still a bit nervous. 2.) I had to leave Anna Grace for the day. It may sound silly, because I've left her for a few hours, several times before.  I knew in my head that she would be absolutely fine, but it's just hard being away from her for so long! 3.) Perhaps most of all, I was concerned about Chad's recovery (and, namely, my role in taking care of him). You see, I tend to not be a very patient or compassionate caretaker. I know that God desires for me to be sympathetic and understanding as I serve...So, in preparation for Chad's surgery, I've been praying overtime...especially for grace to love him well during his recovery. (I've also been cleaning and organizing the house like crazy. Seriously, it's like I'm nesting all over again! Chad has pointed out to me recently that I clean whenever I'm mad, bored, or...anxious.) Anyway, I digress. This post is about God's faithfulness, not my cleaning obsession. :)

You guys, God has been SO faithful today! He protected Chad and gave the surgeon wisdom, He brought peace to our sweet daughter and me while we were apart today, and He gave me such grace to take care of Chad since the surgery. God has taken my human nature and changed it to look a little more like His nature. I am nowhere close to who I want to be, but it was refreshing to see that God is capable (and willing!) to take my junk and transform it! Woo hoo! He's not through with me yet...(and, He's not through with YOU, either.)

"And I am sure of this, that He who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." Philippians 1:6

...and His courts with praise

I was worshipping this morning as I listened to my all-time favorite group, Watermark. The song "You Are" began playing and I can't describe the feelings that washed over me. There was an instant peace and a renewed love for the Lord that I have been missing for such a long time.

Oh, I've loved the Lord in my heart since the moment He saved me, called me His own, and gave me His Holy Spirit. But, so often, my feelings for Him and my nearness to Him fade until I feel so cold and far. In those moments, I always look back and wonder, "What happened? How did I get here in my relationship with the Creator of the Universe...the Lover of my Soul?" And then I always remember, it is through small steps that we move, whether toward God or away from Him. I've gotten caught up in daily life as a wife and new mommy. My Bible has gotten buried under piles of cloth diapers and dishes. Not literally, thank goodness, but in my heart and my life, it feels as if the Important has taken a back-seat to the urgent. I've become a Martha...AGAIN. Sigh.

It is quiet moments like this morning, when I feel a renewed love for God, that I am reminded how I can have this feeling daily. I posted in Novemeber about entering God's gates with thanksgiving. I have been trying to be more thankful for the wonderful things God has done in my life, and I truly believe that my relationship with Him has grown closer since I have been more intentional in this. But, now I'm ready to move a step closer to His Throne. I'm ready to enter His courts.

Check out Psalm 100:4 again. "We enter His gates with thanksgiving, and His courts with praise; give thanks to Him and praise His Name."

I've thought for years that thanksgiving and praise were essentially the same things. However, at the women's conference I wrote about in November, we learned that thanksgiving means thanking God for the things He has done, and praise means thanking God for WHO HE IS. There is a pretty significant difference between the two, and we should be doing both on a daily basis.

God has done great things because He IS great. We can't stop at just thanking God for what He has done if we want to experience true intimacy with Him. We must praise His character and divine attributes. That is what I did this morning, and, I believe, that is why I felt such a nearness to Him. I encourage you to do this in your own life. Just start listing all the wonderful things that God is to you. Research it in His Word. Praise Him for Who He Is. It will change your life and your relationship to God, in such a good, GOOD way.

"You Are" by Watermark

Sunlight, Moonlight, Laughter, Wind and Rain
Singer, Creator, Artist, The Old and the New

You are, You are, You are these things
Father, You are my Everything
You are, You are, You are to me,
Jesus, You are my Everything

Keeper, Sustainer, Shelter, Life and Love
Righteous, Mysterious, Spontaneous, Madly in love with me

You are, You are, You are these things
Father, You are my Everything
You are, You are, You are to me,
Jesus, You are my Everything

You hovered over all that was formed
and you made beauty out of nothing.
You made it all and saw it was good
You made it wonderful...because You're wonderful

Stillness, Movement, Helper, Strength and Shield
Worthy, Endless, Everywhere, All the Air...All the Air I Breathe

You are, You are, You are these things

Father, You are my Everything
You are, You are, You are to me,
Jesus, You are my Everything